Where Did I Go Wrong?

Right this instant I am flabbergasted! Actually, totally beside myself in mind bending disbelief is more accurate.

The six year old is walking around asking something or other because he is six and is always asking something. Can we go to a hotel right now? Can I watch TV on Tuesday four weeks from now until midnight? Can I have pizza for breakfast every day until I'm ten? Who is your favorite mythical creature? Would you rather be eaten by a shark or fire ants? Real mind benders - you get the picture. And to be honest I was out late last night at a friend's house with more than my fair share of red wine consumed then up at 6:00am this morning driving my mom to the airport so I am going with the ever popular "what do you think" or "let's see" type of responses from the trusty mom tool kit. I do notice, however, as he walks by a wet spot on the back of the leg of his pants. Since my mental processing is not operating at full capacity right this moment, I can't quite comprehend how a bathroom accident could have resulted in a wet spot in that strategic location. But who knows what can happen? I, myself, pee sitting down and I am proud to say hit the mark pretty much every time. Fifty percent of my household though pees standing up and without getting graphic let's just say that I desperately miss my house cleaner. Damn this economy! Upon asking what said wet spot could possibly be, I am told that his 8 year old sister spit on him.

"She what?"

"Spit on me."

"She SPIT on you????"

"Yep. That's what I said."

Are you getting this? My one month shy of 9 years daughter spit on her brother. Up she comes from the play room. And you will be happy to hear her reasoning.

"I didn't try to spit on him."

Well, that's a relief. What was she "trying" to do? You're gonna love this. I know I did. Apparently she had (and I am quoting here) "those sticky boogery things" in her throat and was spitting them out. Spitting them out where you ask. Well, on the floor of course. What the F***! I know my mental processing is slow right now but how in any sane way could she actually think this is what you'd do? Correct me if I'm wrong but first choice would be into a tissue in the bathroom. Any of the following would also do: into the sink, the toilet, maybe the garbage, or possibly even out the back door if you must. But on the floor? OMG!!! Apparently she was really tired from a sleepover and just couldn't muster the strength to alleviate her sticky boogery throat in a less disgusting manner.

Is this how it happens? A before and after moment when you realize - Holy Crap! We're THAT family. The ones you see on "Dr. Phil". They live in unbelievable squalor with feral children running all around eating with their hands from the overflowing, maggot-filled trashcans. You always wonder with your head shaking in a sympathetic yet superior fashion how did they get this far gone? I bet it started in many cases with an otherwise intelligent, kind and beautiful child hawking snot loogies onto the playroom carpet and thinking that's what people do. I know for a fact that "non-THAT family" people don't see this as acceptable because up until a few minutes ago I thought I was one of them.

Should I write Dr. Phil for an intervention now or wait for the maggots? I think I'll wait. Maggots do make for better TV.