My apologies to future girlfriends

Penis. There I wrote it. I think it is the first time I have ever done so. I feel so dirty even writing the word. That Catholic upbringing of mine was obviously a success. Nonetheless I must press forward.

To circumcise or not? That was the question six and a half years ago. I don't recall all the specifics of the discussion. I do know that Steve cited some wacko on Howard Stern saying there was a probable 70% loss in sexual sensation as a reason against but couldn't find another more credible source. There was some pro discussion including the locker room and same as daddy issues. In the end we decided to circumcise our little bundle of joy but I think it could have went either way. And that is where this apology starts.


Early in his young life Liam was a big baby. Born at 9 lbs 2 oz he was 30 lbs by his first birthday. According to his pediatrician this added chubbiness while cute and perfectly normal tended for his foreskin to push forward and adhere or basically reattach. So I, the lucky mommy, had to pry apart these skin layers daily and rub them with Bacitracin. It was painful for little Liam and to be honest very awkward for me. Obviously I don't have my own penis but yes I have seen them and can find them quite useful in a certain aspect of my life. However, I have never been a huge fan of detailed inspection. They do their job and I am thankful for that but on a whole I find them rather ugly. So there I am confronted on a daily basis with this little lump of flesh (he is Irish but I do think "little" at that point in his life had to do with age) as an integral part of my precious baby that needed tending to, and I was,... well,... squeamish. Raised in a house with no brothers and a well-covered father at all times, my only interaction with this male organ has been through boyfriends and my husband. My mom is a RN and decided my sister and I needed the facts; so at a young age we were sat down for the talk and even given a book that showed detailed pictures that I was too embarrassed to more than glance at. I had the facts: That goes there. Got it. Don't get pregnant. Got it. Boys are after one thing you need to be the responsible one. Got it. Then something about waiting for marriage.

Back to daily penis care 101 for the chubby baby. As Liam got a few months older and was able to move around more the adhesion problem went away and the constant penis attention thankfully ended. Still I wonder if some day years from now he'll tell some future girlfriend, "That is not how my mom did it." Ew! Ick! Gross! Nasty! I know, but may lightning strike me dead this fear has in fact floated through my mind.

Then just last week this penis thing crept right back into the forefront of my parenting insecurities. Liam's first Tae Kwon Do sparring class was on Thursday. Steve was working so I get the bag of gear out that came in kit form - pads, helmet, mouth piece, etc. - to help him dress. Do you know what the etc. was? It was a cup. A cup! He's six! Holy crap, what do you do with this? Well, theoretically I know. But is there a correct way to wear it? Do you wear underwear over it, his tae kwon do pants are white after all? We fumble through and he is all suited up. Looking like the Michelin Man with all the pads and walking like he just got off a horse because of the cup. It is on wrong obviously but for the life of me I can't figure out how to make it more comfortable. We adjust this way and that. Both of us tugging and rearranging the gear and the package to make it better. No luck. I decide to go with the "just deal with it" approach. Now I lay awake wondering if a cup can do damage that would affect a future hopefully wife's but maybe girlfriend's desire for children. I can't take it. I can't take the pressure. I am officially relinquishing my penis-rearing duties. I'll still pipe in with the casual, "Feel free to touch it. It is yours afterall but please do it in privacy. If you can't keep your hands off it while we're watching TV then you won't be allowed to wear boxer shorts as pajamas." That I can handle. But the rest of it I am dropping 100% on my co-parenting partner, who by the way has a penis. From here on out he's in charge of our littlest member's member.